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 Everything feels so heavy now. I don't think I have what it takes to keep going. I wish to be dead right now. It wouldn't be so bad if I died right here and now. I cannot take my own life but I do wish I had an accident or a disease which would take me away. It's pointless to stay. If my death could bring comfort to those around me, it would be for the good. I want death to take my life right now more than anything else. From hoping for the well-being of others to hoping for an end, life sure took a turn. I don't know if you exist, but if you do, take me. Take me tonight while I sleep. I don't want to wake up to another day. I know I have promised things to people but I don't think anyone wants that. What's the point of reaching out if there's no one to hear, right? Oh well, this life is done. Maybe somewhere, someday, in another universe I am not so miserable.

What I really mean to say

I understand that I am not the only person you interact with, and I am aware that you are busy with other conversations. I am introverted and tend to overthink things, and even though I enjoy talking to you, it feels like there's a lack of effort on your part. It often seems like you're only responding to me when you're free or when it's convenient, and that can make me feel like I am not a priority. When I see you online but not replying to me, it hurts. I know we are not in a relationship, but even in a friendship, feeling valued and prioritized matters. I keep waiting for your messages because I genuinely enjoy our conversations, but the imbalance in effort and attention affects me deeply. I wish you could see things from my perspective. It would mean a lot if you could understand how this impacts me.

Sad

 Shit. I know life has its ups and downs but I didn't think history would repeat itself. I am to blame for this. Me and only me. I let my guard down for a moment and shit happens. I never should have trusted another person. I shouldn't have had feelings for someone who never saw anything in me. I never should have changed. I have gotten back from things before and I know I will this time too but it still hurts like it's the first time. People say I overthink but in the end, I end up right. Today was no different. For someone, I didn't even deserve an explanation. They could have told me this was happening. I guess I expected too much from them. Fuck. I don't know what to do. It's always the same with me.

Don't know what to do

 It's hard to admit but we can't solve every kind of problem. Sometimes it just feels too much to bear it myself. But when things are too tough I think of the faces who I love, and who love me, like you. Shit truly happens and it might not change. But it's okay to fail and tumble. I hope we can stay strong and fly together, whatever's underneath the ground.

8 Years

I don't know where to start from. I guess I'll start from right now. People have problems. Everyone has their own problem that they are trying to solve. Most of them are solvable. But what if you get a problem that you cannot put aside or solve? People will ask if such a problem even exists. I don't even want to write this now. One person yesterday told me to try to move on & I am. We all are. It's been 8 years now. You can say its chronic. But I'm trying. It's getting difficult to breathe. Guess I'll end this here for now.

Wish

I still search for you in the crowd. When I see couples holding hands, I wish it to be us. When I sit alone in silence, I wish for you to sit next to me. And if you are too tired to speak, just sit next to me, for, I too, am fluent in silence. And when I see someone smiling, I wish to share my every smile with you. I look at the paintings & wonder how you would feel about them. And I wonder how you would react to a particular scene in a movie or a lyrics in a song. Whenever I look at the clouds, I wish you would see it too. I just love you. I know I can't see the future but I know it will be better with you in it. There are times when I doubt myself, whether I deserve you. It hurts to even think about it, and I want you to know that I am trying my best not to overthink. I am just doing my best. And I hope it is enough for us. For now, all I can do is hope.

You are my 11:11 wish.

Writing some thoughts

Today I remembered a quote from the movie 'The Lunchbox'. It goes like this, 'I think we forget things if we have no one to tell them to', and it made me think for a moment about why I write blogs. I have friends & family if I ever want to talk about something. I can get help whenever I want. So I was thinking why write in loneliness where no one will read. And I think it's because people won't understand me. All my life, people have talked & I listened. And those who listened to me, did so to give me a piece of their mind. Or I was misunderstood. Or taken advantage of. When was the last time someone actually listened without judging? Have I ever talked so freely? I can't remember. So maybe to ease me & make this life a little liveable, to not forget some moments, I write. I won't lie. A simple task such as writing can help a lot. This is not the only place I have written. There are others where only I can read. Maybe someday someone will read them.

There is also the quote I saw the other day, 'खुशी बन'. It means 'be happy' in Nepali. I see the drawing of that old man smiling every day & written under it is this line. But only yesterday I took the time to notice it. I thought it was a simple sentence with a straightforward meaning but it's so hard to be happy. How do people become happy? Money? Friends? Family? Love? Fame? Freedom? Or maybe all of them. I wish I could answer. Let's turn the question around. What causes unhappiness? Poverty? Adversity? Strangers? Loneliness? Facelessness? Captivity? I bet it's all of them. So what about people who are good in society, have decent earnings with loving friends & family? Are you saying those people are truly happy & never sad? Are their lives fulfilled? I can't imagine being happy. When did I lose it? Was it when all of my friends turned on me? Was it when nobody helped me? Maybe it was at the time when I used to walk behind and no one bothered to check. But the saddest & the most pathetic part is I still remember these memories. Not a single day goes by without replaying them. So amidst all this, tell me, how do I become happy?

People say, 'One day you'll look back & laugh at these memories'. All I see are regrets. I have learned my lessons from them but instead of getting better, I get miserable. I try to make sure people don't go through what I did. If I can't protect others from others, at least I won't hurt them. With a heavy heart, I try, yet I get to learn another lesson in shit. Now that I read it back, it's depressing. And my soul is tired.

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Who did I get this from?

I hope you understand if I want to take things slow. You have to understand that I don't easily open up to people. I build walls. Lots of them. But if you're lucky, the walls in your name will have windows and maybe even doors. And maybe time and tenderness will erode the walls, brick by brick. And they will never be completely gone but because of you, they will be ancient ruins. I hope I'm worth all the effort in the end but I'm afraid that maybe I'm not. Just know that if I give you windows in your walls, we've got a shot. And I hope that's enough.

Hurts

 I am tired, and I am not talking about the body. I am talking about the spirit. How do you deal with a weary spirit? Every day, it feels heavy. Every day, I lose a little. I wonder how long I will last and how far I will go before I am no more. I have so much to do, but when I reflect on my state, I get anxious and lose myself. There should be no surprise if I throw the towel someday. The people I used to call friends were not my friends, and now, I have lost someone again. Why the hell do I keep losing people? Am I the odd one out? Why does everyone keep shitting on me? What have I done to anyone? I just want to live a happy life, but it keeps getting miserable with each passing day.

For the first time in forever, I thought I had someone by my side. I thought they would understand me. And with time, we would get to know each other. But I got kicked down when I was already there. The feelings I had were real, but someone didn't or couldn't see them. Maybe they did and pretended to not acknowledge them. Or they took them for granted. I don't know. I don't know what to do. I am sad, and I am crying. I have been crying for a long time. And I wished to laugh in the places I have cried. And I believed I had someone to laugh with. It was foolish of me to think I could ever be happy. I don't even remember the last time I properly smiled. Just thinking about it hurts.

Still, I have changed, and I cannot go back. It is difficult for me but doesn't have to be for others. It's the choices that make us who we are and I can either choose to be miserable or I can choose to do better. I may go one day, but I am still breathing. And I know what I have to do right now.

...

 Man, I hope I die.

Pieces of them

 I cook rice the way my mother taught me when I was ten years old. I peel my apples before I eat them because that's how my father did it. I watch movies differently now because a friend I haven't seen in four years once told me that every scene could have an implied message, and I enjoy hearing some of 'the father jokes' just because he used to tell me the whole way home. There are songs I can't listen to anymore because they remind me of the people I used to love. We are somehow a little part of everyone we have met in our life, and even if they leave, there are some pieces of them that are still inside us; as a home, a lesson, or maybe a story worth telling - it's kind of our choice now.

Man, What a rollercoaster!

I have said this before & I'll repeat it, life is full of twists & turns. A few months ago, I was sure I'd never love anyone. Looking back, it was the right choice for me. After everything that had happened, I still don't think I've fully moved on. Those memories linger in the back of my head & present themselves now & then, and I can't help but feel anxious, especially when I'm around her. I get afraid that the past will repeat itself, & that I'm not enough for anything. I know I'm not the best-looking, charismatic, financially stable, or brilliant person in her life. I'm sure she has seen better guys than me in these areas & I don't even hold a priority in her life. Life is not a competition & if I look back, I've come far. I've really done it. I'm able to do things more effortlessly than I could. So, why do I feel so less? No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to do better. Why do I even need to compete with others? Why do I miss her so much? And why does it hurt when I have to part ways with her every day? Every time I see her talking with some other guy, it hurts. When I watch her smile & the reason is not me but someone else, it hurts. It hurts when I view her posts & I don't know who she is with.

A human being is made of two parts: heart & mind. One feels while the other thinks. These two contradict every time. Whenever one wants something, the other has to intervene. In my case, these two are always fighting. I can't decide on what to do in many things. As a result, I can neither think nor feel properly and in the end, I feel shitty. The past is not helping either. It might be the reason for my anxiety & all the problems.

However, the future is uncertain. It is not set in stone or written in a book. Everyone has a future ahead of them, whether it is good or not, that's up to them. It is also my choice, and I have to choose one. And the memories might stick around for a while, but I will not give up on improving, no matter how long it takes. I may be afraid of what might happen, but if I do not try I'll never know. Better fail to try than not try at all right? If I keep moving, improving each day, won't I be better than others? After all, that's how I got to this point. Everyone is a unique piece, and it is not a competition, but there is no harm in being a bit competitive. It's how nature works.

I feel sad, and it hurts when I see her with others, but it's not her fault or anybody else's. I have to learn to control my emotions and think more positively. I can't let my past control me and have an internal conflict every time. And with time, things will get better, for everyone. So, I hope everyone gets the courage and the strength to believe in themselves and their dreams. Our beginnings, however, they might have been, I hope for a better future for all of us. Also, I did not want to admit it before, but it looks like I have fallen in love. This rollercoaster of emotions lol. My mind has nothing on me right now. See you again, sometime, somewhere. Till we meet next time.

BoJack Horseman Review

Bojack Horseman is really a fantastic adult animated comedy-drama. Set in Hollywoo, a fictional place named after Hollywood, the series depicts the story of a horse named "Bojack Horseman", who was a successful sitcom actor in the '90s and tries to gain popularity by writing a book about himself. He is accompanied by other characters such as his roommate Todd Chavez, agent Princess Carolyn, formal rival Mr. Peanutbutter, and ghostwriter Diane Nguyen. The show draws on his and others' struggle with depression and addiction.

Bojack struggles to maintain a healthy relationship with people and pushes them away. His self-destructive and narcissistic behavior affects those around him. While he feels guilty for being the way he is and sometimes tries to change, it only lasts for a few moments. He has little patience and forms schemes to get what he wants, usually ending in disaster. 

Despite his behavior, he is kind-hearted and does not want to hurt others. He cares about his friends and tries to help them.

Happy New Year 2024

Today, Jan 1, 2024.

I am not going to pretend that everything is alright and there are no problems. There are and there always will be. But I hope that everything gets fixed or at least I can move forward despite all the challenges. I am sure there are a lot of people with New Year resolutions and I am one of them. I have to admit I have come this far and have a long way to go. It is nice to have people around who support you and encourage you to keep going. It is nice to have some help now and then. It is nice to have people with whom you can share happiness. I will try to the best of my ability to make things happen. We may fail but we will get up.

Finally, I hope people get the result of the hard work they put in and things get progressively better with time. With that being said I wish everyone around the world good luck and Happy New Year 2024. To us and for the days to come.