I have said this before & I'll repeat it, life is full of twists & turns. A few months ago, I was sure I'd never love anyone. Looking back, it was the right choice for me. After everything that had happened, I still don't think I've fully moved on. Those memories linger in the back of my head & present themselves now & then, and I can't help but feel anxious, especially when I'm around her. I get afraid that the past will repeat itself, & that I'm not enough for anything. I know I'm not the best-looking, charismatic, financially stable, or brilliant person in her life. I'm sure she has seen better guys than me in these areas & I don't even hold a priority in her life. Life is not a competition & if I look back, I've come far. I've really done it. I'm able to do things more effortlessly than I could. So, why do I feel so less? No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to do better. Why do I even need to compete with others? Why do I miss her so much? And why does it hurt when I have to part ways with her every day? Every time I see her talking with some other guy, it hurts. When I watch her smile & the reason is not me but someone else, it hurts. It hurts when I view her posts & I don't know who she is with.
A human being is made of two parts: heart & mind. One feels while the other thinks. These two contradict every time. Whenever one wants something, the other has to intervene. In my case, these two are always fighting. I can't decide on what to do in many things. As a result, I can neither think nor feel properly and in the end, I feel shitty. The past is not helping either. It might be the reason for my anxiety & all the problems.
However, the future is uncertain. It is not set in stone or written in a book. Everyone has a future ahead of them, whether it is good or not, that's up to them. It is also my choice, and I have to choose one. And the memories might stick around for a while, but I will not give up on improving, no matter how long it takes. I may be afraid of what might happen, but if I do not try I'll never know. Better fail to try than not try at all right? If I keep moving, improving each day, won't I be better than others? After all, that's how I got to this point. Everyone is a unique piece, and it is not a competition, but there is no harm in being a bit competitive. It's how nature works.
I feel sad, and it hurts when I see her with others, but it's not her fault or anybody else's. I have to learn to control my emotions and think more positively. I can't let my past control me and have an internal conflict every time. And with time, things will get better, for everyone. So, I hope everyone gets the courage and the strength to believe in themselves and their dreams. Our beginnings, however, they might have been, I hope for a better future for all of us. Also, I did not want to admit it before, but it looks like I have fallen in love. This rollercoaster of emotions lol. My mind has nothing on me right now. See you again, sometime, somewhere. Till we meet next time.
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