Hurts

 I am tired, and I am not talking about the body. I am talking about the spirit. How do you deal with a weary spirit? Every day, it feels heavy. Every day, I lose a little. I wonder how long I will last and how far I will go before I am no more. I have so much to do, but when I reflect on my state, I get anxious and lose myself. There should be no surprise if I throw the towel someday. The people I used to call friends were not my friends, and now, I have lost someone again. Why the hell do I keep losing people? Am I the odd one out? Why does everyone keep shitting on me? What have I done to anyone? I just want to live a happy life, but it keeps getting miserable with each passing day.

For the first time in forever, I thought I had someone by my side. I thought they would understand me. And with time, we would get to know each other. But I got kicked down when I was already there. The feelings I had were real, but someone didn't or couldn't see them. Maybe they did and pretended to not acknowledge them. Or they took them for granted. I don't know. I don't know what to do. I am sad, and I am crying. I have been crying for a long time. And I wished to laugh in the places I have cried. And I believed I had someone to laugh with. It was foolish of me to think I could ever be happy. I don't even remember the last time I properly smiled. Just thinking about it hurts.

Still, I have changed, and I cannot go back. It is difficult for me but doesn't have to be for others. It's the choices that make us who we are and I can either choose to be miserable or I can choose to do better. I may go one day, but I am still breathing. And I know what I have to do right now.