Fear

I don't want to think about it. But it keeps coming back. No matter how many times I try to resist, it won't stop. Like some bug that makes its way in your house, no matter how hard you try to fend it off. Will I achieve that goal, reach the level where I don't have to do this again and again? I have been thinking lately. Something I always do. But this time, something's wrong. Feels like I am carrying a boulder and it keeps dragging me in the opposite direction of wherever I am headed. But I can't stop now, can I? 

I try to rest but it gets boring. Diverting my attention to somewhere else helps but it doesn't last much longer. I guess it's life. But I can't make this excuse. I can't just leave it at the hands of the fate. The more I try, the heavier it gets. And I can't quit. I just can't. Even when I try to, I can't. Quitting won't stop it.

The only thing I can do is move forward. I can see the light, sometimes. But then it disappears, like I am hallucinating or something. I hear faint voices but do I trust them? I am tired of walking through this, left  alone in darkness. Struggling. I am just tired. Can't rest either. No time for weakness. It won't stop. I doubt if it will ever stop. So won't I. I don't know if I am headed towards right way and still, somehow, I like this mess. This resistance, heaviness, darkness, it all feels comfy somtimes. But sometimes, I wish for a helping hand. A hand to guide me through this. Two parts fighting for their place in this madness. I guess who's going to win. For the time being, I will keep moving wherever I might end up. I have to keep it away but this silent war is far from over.